| robert de niro in taxi driver |

loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere.
in bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere.
there's no escape. i'm god's lonely man.

+++

all the animals come out at night.
whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies.
sick, venal.
someday a real rain will come and wash this scum off the streets.

i had nothing to do today so i watched taxi driver for the hmmm.. 19th time(?).  those of you who haven't already seen it, do.  it's a great movie and just about one of the most brilliant films ever made.

ugh..

i'm sick. or at least that's how i feel.  i haven't been in the mood for much either, except sleeping and taking cold showers. 

lots of people from my past have been resurfacing. some have hopes for the rekindling of friendships. some seemed doomed to never blossom. some are just fuckin' hopeless.

last night i met again with my past. it was all so fuckin weird and awkward in all possible ways.  there was even a point when i thought i was imagining everything.  i guess in the back of my mind i always thought that if i ever had to talk to him again, he would lash out at me and remind that i'm just a piece of shit that couldn't keep it real.  but it was nothing like that.  he was happy to see me.  by our conversation i could tell he had moved on to better things.  i hardly said anything.  what was i to say?  so every now and then i would smile.  before i left, he made a joke and called me paty.  i broke down and left.  i still can't get over him.  and the fact that he was so cool about everything was pure torture.  yeah, my conscience isn't what it used to be when i was five.