i don't believe in people; people (with their faults and mine combined) are a disappointment, no matter how genuine they are. and yet i'm attracted to people. were the preliminaries to dating eliminated, i'd be a contented serial dater. but i believe i'd also be happy living and wreaking havoc on my own if it meant that someone might want to talk to me the next day or instance.

why the inbred outlook to that alternative? because as much as i can dislike men at times, nothing beats a pair of hands making a concerted effort to make me melt into iridescent pools of color. or perhaps, not much else.

i miss california. warm weather and yes, the sun. i miss sand in my toes, real mexican food, riding horses in the desert, and being able to see all the stars in the sky is a hundred times more amazing than it sounds.

two more days in new york.

- feeling better.
- antibiotics are good stuff.
- going back to work is even better. (huh?)
- tomorrow or the next day, i'm planning my next tattoo.
- my house is really messy.
- i want a subscription to skin and ink magazine.
- going to new york on friday.
- going to boston on sunday.
- going back to new york on tuesday.
- coming back home on thursday.
- listening to mogwai.
- eating skittles.

yup. simply radtastic!

estou melancólica. enferma com febre e saudades do passado.

i'm messed up. and beneath that spoiler is a detailed account. i'm sufficiently worth someone's pity, probably.

love is such a strange thing. it's like caterpillar to butterfly over and over in some relationships. and in others it's pretty much like caterpillar to dead caterpillar. but the one thing that's for sure is you're pretty much crawlin' along living your own life and then it dawns on you that you want something more. but what you never seem to get used to is all the hurt that you'll have to experience before you can get something more. like the baby that doesn't know how shocking birth will be, and like the flower that can't anticipate how much ground it will have to push through before it reaches the light.

moving again soon. goodbye los angeles. 

you can never drive a nice car and leave it in the boyfriend's neighborhood because someone will steal the car or the wheels.

his neighbor leeroy, has a shop bigger than his house.

the amount of vacant beater cars left abandoned along the street makes the block look like a junkyard.

you can find 8 sex offenders within a one mile radius.

slow morning and we're out of fuckin' coffee! nice..

i've been day dreaming a lot lately.  about 4-6 hours a day.  it continues to bum out my boss, but she won't 'let me go' cuz she's my stepmom and she thinks it's only temporary, ha. =P
however, when the bubble burst and i realize there's a ton of work to do, i just want to hide under my desk or in the restroom and wait for the apocalypse to come.
i mostly dream of running, oral sex, and driving around at night listening to music.  aww, the goods, they make me extremely happy and wonder if i'm destined to a simple life.

i took monday off from work to get the results from my last biopsy.  i have never been through anything quite like having to wait so long for test results that are so crucial.  i couldn't imagine the devastation of finding out that i've come out of remission after almost four years and now i'd have to start chemotherapy again. the doctor has not determined what is wrong with me and says there's a few cells in my bone marrow that he couldn't identify.  my white cell count is very low so there's no wonder i feel so fatigued. i get to go back in 10 days for another blood suck.  starting next week i get to spend the next 4 to 6 weeks on my couch and in bed, kicking back, watching seinfeld and south park, and eating lots of great italian and mexican food, all deliciously cooked by my wonderful nonna, camile. =)

anyway.. happy birthday to the one man i will forever love mucho, mucho: david.

kiss, kisses for him and everyone else on the knee caps. =*